Stop Feeling That You Deserve Better

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The word ‘deserve’ is thrown around a lot these days. To the point where, for me at least, it has lost all meaning. You ‘deserve’ a better job, life, car, cat, home, kid, etc… It is everywhere, the propaganda that you deserve something better, whatever that might entail. But most often it’s used in reference to relationships in a manner which I have never understood. It’s an easy cycle to get caught up in, a tiny egotistical voice constantly conditioned to sing in the back of your mind ‘Oh! But you deserve so much better!’ You obviously were more qualified for that job, you worked harder! You obviously deserve a better-looking girl/guy because you’re such a great person! You obviously deserve a man or woman who dotes on you and supports your every dream and whim! 

I’m just not convinced.

My question to you, and myself…

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Hoping someday you’ll chance upon this my love.

You are still someone whom I thought only appeared in fairytales. Even tho you are no longer mine to call, I love you more fiercely and passionately than I ever had. I know that because you taught me what it means to love someone. You recreated my definition of love and moved me in ways that no one ever did.

You are my definition of love. When we parted, you asked me if I was scared of being alone or was I really scared to lose you. I was insulted at your question because it just showed that you doubted my love for you. But, to be honest, I really did not know. Maybe I leaned towards the latter, but I was never sure of what I was scared of. It’s been 3 months now and I now know the answer.

I was scared to lose you and forget everything that we had. I was scared to lose that boy who has loved me more than anyone I have met. And I was sad that I was going to lose that boy who only had the purest intentions in everything that he does. That boy who only had love and kindness in his heart. I was in love with him. And not the idea of him.

I still am in love with him. But it’s been 3 months now and I’m not sure how much you have changed since then. I hope you are still the same charming guy I met, that boy who took my breath away even just walking through a rushing crowd. If you did change, i guess I’m just in love with the idea of the Prince Charming that I had. With all that said, love keeps my faith in you to know that you will continue to be the person that you have always wanted to be.

I look back with so much regret. I didn’t cherish every moment that we had like it was our last. That is the part which I am most sorry for my love. I didn’t have the capacity to actually live in the moment like I thought I could when we first started out. Unlike me, every moment was precious to you and did not try to shortchange me in any way when you were with me. You loved me in every way possible and didn’t waste our time together trying to fight about the smallest details in our relationship. And that itself is love; you were patient with me even when I challenged and tested your sincerity. You were forgiving even when I broke my promises time and again. You had faith in my love for you. Yet, I didn’t have faith in yours. It’s so ironic because it jut showed me how strong you were for me. Because you loved ( I hope you still love me now tho) me more than I could ever love you in that relationship.

I really wish I can turn back time and make the right choices. Given the chance again, I would still choose to be with you. I only wish I made it more fulfilling and that I could treat you right. It stings to know that whatever that was so good to me, it’s gone. And I didn’t manage to cherish it the way you did. You loved me passionately and yet I let you down in so many ways.

I really wonder what was the root cause of our break up. Whether it was cause of religious reasons or that you were really tired of the unceasing quarrels that we had. I wonder if you thought that I wasn’t fighting for. I am so sorry for everything that I didn’t manage to do for you. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to love you the way you did. But I really hope you would think back and remember that I tried loving you the way you wanted me to. And that it is all that matters to you. I really hope that it will be all that you remember.

It’s heartbreaking because I know I lost all the chances that I have got to be with you. Up till now, I am still trying to love like how you did. It has impacted me enough to love you like the way you did only when you are gone. Not just for you, but everyone else around me too. I guess it’s true about what they say: ‘Some people will only come into your life to teach you a lesson and leave.’ It’s just sad to know that you will just be one of them.

You never did changed during the course of our relationship. I came to realise that I was too emotionally unstable to be putting unrealistic expectations on you. Love wasn’t suppose to hurt like this for the both of us. But yet I made it so. Love doesn’t hurt and I only know that now.

After knowing what it means to love, I realized that if I love you enough, I would let you go. I would let you go to have your chance of having happiness with a girl who can give you everything that I couldn’t give you. I would let you go to release you from the chains of burdens that I have shackled on you. Some people are meant to love each other, but arent meant to be. I have grown to accept that and I only want to you to be happy. Love is being happy knowing you are happy. Anything else wouldn’t be love.

I love you more than I ever did my dear. But it’s time to let you go for good. It’s time that I let both of us find our own happiness. I’m so scared that I would forget everything that we had. Because it taught me everything about love and has already become part of my humanity. I wouldn’t ask for much from God, but to let me remember whatever we had together. I was pretty scared I couldn’t hold all those memories in my head and so I kept on telling other people about it, hoping that they would remind me now and then what it was to be with you. Hoping that our story will be remembered.

I don’t think that there will be any point in time in my life that I wouldn’t love you anymore. Just as the Whitney Houston song goes, ‘I will always love you’, it’s true how love stays in one’s system once it’s there.

I only wish for the best for you. And I know that being with me wouldn’t give you the best chance in life at this point of time. I love you because I know that I want you to be happy with or without me.

Thank you for making our relationship one of the most memorable highlights of my life and teaching me the most valuable lessons in life. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for everything. Please remember that I will always love you and miss you. Thank you My sayang.

From the bottom of my heart,

Keep Your Head Up

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Why Writing Is The Best Medicine

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We’ve all been there — alone at night when the world goes to sleep. We’re left with our worries, fears, and pains. The weight can be unbearable, even paralyzing. The feelings of chaos in our head, and the racing of our heart and nerves can make sleep difficult, sometimes impossible. As a chronic night owl, I’ve been there, and I empathize with anyone who is, or has ever been, in the same boat. Being someone who has struggled with depression, and self-loathing, I have been lucky enough to find a light in this dark tunnel. For me, something that has been a huge help has been writing about my problems.

Cliché alert, right? This advice is really common, and nothing out of the ordinary. However, I believe the problem is that people do not get a fresh perspective on this activity. For me it’s not about solving…

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